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Esmond Fountain is a comedian and storyteller who just really, really loves telling stories.

His first introduction to storytelling came at 13, when his dad gave him a video camera — and something just clicked. Since then, Esmond has performed on stages across the country, sharing moments that are funny, vulnerable, and occasionally make you question how he still has a job.

He’s been seen on the 3 and 4 trains, and in venues that range from well-respected comedy theaters to living rooms with questionable snacks. His ability to turn chaos into punchlines is why he’s here tonight. That, and because the venue already printed the programs.

...Okay, honestly? Writing this bio has been so hard. This man is private. Like, mysteriously private. We asked him for facts — he dodged. We asked for a birthday — unknown. We tried to get a quote — he said, “Just make it sound good.” This bio is too long and somehow still contains no real information. I don’t even know how I’m going to finish this page.

What we do know is: He’s had his heart broken more times than he’d admit. He’s 5'11" — unless you’re one of his exes, in which case he’s 6'3", married, and booked through the fall.

You can follow him at @esmondfountain on everything. But good luck getting anything out of him. We tried. Truly. We tried.