HOT TAKES BY ESMOND (age ∞, him/him)
"Bushwick is not a real place. It’s a shared hallucination caused by oat milk and DJ trauma."
"People should not abuse the sacred power of the playbill. It is a theatrical document, not a resume for your dog-walking startup."
"La La Land is a top 5 movie. Yes, they don’t end up together. That’s called realism."
"Every man in the current presidential administration should be forced to watch The Notebook at full volume, no skip button."
"French fries should be healthy by now. We have AI. We don’t need smarter resumes — we need smarter potatoes."
"Is coffee even good? Or are we just in a nation-wide group chat and no one wants to be the first to leave?"
"Adele is better than Beyoncé. I said what I said. She sounds like heartbreak got a vocal coach."
"Rats need to be banned. This is not a take, this is a call to action."
"'No spoilers' expires after 5 years. If you haven’t seen it, that’s a you issue."
"Being tall is a privilege and should be taxed accordingly."
"Split checks at birthday dinners are psychological warfare."
"Brunch isn’t a meal — it’s a cry for help, served on a $19 biscuit."
"Airplane seats don’t recline — they surrender."
"'Haha' and 'lol' are not the same laugh. One is polite, the other is real."
"If you clap when the plane lands, you should have to help clean it."
BONUS HOT TAKES BY TANNER (age 5, he/him/menace)
"If I can reach it, it’s mine."
"The only acceptable food groups are ketchup and vibes."
"Naps are a scam invented by adults who hate fun."
"I am the boss. You are just tall."
"I don’t see race… but I do see weakness."
"Snitches don’t get stitches. They get $20."
"There is no Santa. It’s Jeff Bezos."
"If you didn’t want me to call 911, you shouldn’t have taken my legos."
